The other day I read a blog entry written by a mother. She was mourning the death of her former,
pre-mommy, self. I related. There were many examples she gave that had my
name all over them. I am not the same
woman as I was in December of 2009. That
is when Roger and I decided to try to have a child. It was not an easy decision, but once we
agreed upon it, we went for it! And it
went great right away; by February 2010, I was pregnant. Yes, it only took a month for me to get
pregnant. Great, right? Well, not really.
I had a miscarriage.
Most readers of this blog do not know that. I kept it extremely private. Some close family knew. It was heart breaking. It ranks up near the top for worst
experiences in my life. I know many
people who have had them before, and was always sad for them. I could never understand. Now, I do.
It took RT’s birth to really get past mourning that loss. At the time, I worried I would not get
pregnant.
Thankfully, a few months later, I did! And 38 weeks after that, RT was born. He is the light of my life. But, has he become everything in my
life? It seems that way. I don’t want to give up my own identity. The truth is, I don’t really know who I am
anymore.
Last night was the Academy Awards. For as long as I can remember, it has been
one of my favorite nights of the year.
In the past, I would have seen at least a couple of the nominated films,
but not this year. I saw Skyfall, which was nominated for a few
things, and that is all. It is expensive
to go out to a movie. With tickets,
snacks and the babysitter, it could be close to $100. That is too much. And, really it is okay. Most of the time I don’t mind missing out on
movies in the theater. But, sometimes,
the old me remembers how much I love the theater, the popcorn, the sound and
the getting out. Last night was one of
those nights.
I recorded the Oscars on my DVR. When it began, I was watching a home chef’s
episode of Chopped, which I
enjoyed. I fast-forwarded through some
of the award show before I went to bed (though not enough as that Seth
McFarland was really awful!!!). I wanted
to see the 50 Years of Bond 007 celebration.
And I loved seeing Shirley Bassey sing Goldfinger. But, then I went
to bed. I hurried through the show this
morning, noting that I want to see some of the films and a lot of the
performances, but that overall, the Show, The Oscars, doesn’t mean that much to
me anymore.
And that made me sad.
There were years that I was able to go into work late after the Oscars,
and I did because I stayed up until after midnight relishing in the speeches
and dresses and banter. I don’t feel
that anymore. I’d rather snuggle with RT
and read Goodnight Moon for the
millionth time. And feel him fall asleep
in my arms. That is my night, now. And it is a good one!
My old self is gone.
That pre-Mommy Kate no longer exists.
And, guess what? That’s just
fine. There will be times that I miss
that old me, but there are so many more times that I am in awe of the joys my
life brings with RT. I’d never, ever
trade my life as Mommy for the old me.
Well, maybe when the next 007 film is released in theaters…nah!
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