The other day I read a blog entry written by a mother. She was mourning the death of her former, pre-mommy, self. I related. There were many examples she gave that had my name all over them. I am not the same woman as I was in December of 2009. That is when Roger and I decided to try to have a child. It was not an easy decision, but once we agreed upon it, we went for it! And it went great right away; by February 2010, I was pregnant. Yes, it only took a month for me to get pregnant. Great, right? Well, not really.
I had a miscarriage. Most readers of this blog do not know that. I kept it extremely private. Some close family knew. It was heart breaking. It ranks up near the top for worst experiences in my life. I know many people who have had them before, and was always sad for them. I could never understand. Now, I do. It took RT’s birth to really get past mourning that loss. At the time, I worried I would not get pregnant.
Thankfully, a few months later, I did! And 38 weeks after that, RT was born. He is the light of my life. But, has he become everything in my life? It seems that way. I don’t want to give up my own identity. The truth is, I don’t really know who I am anymore.
Last night was the Academy Awards. For as long as I can remember, it has been one of my favorite nights of the year. In the past, I would have seen at least a couple of the nominated films, but not this year. I saw Skyfall, which was nominated for a few things, and that is all. It is expensive to go out to a movie. With tickets, snacks and the babysitter, it could be close to $100. That is too much. And, really it is okay. Most of the time I don’t mind missing out on movies in the theater. But, sometimes, the old me remembers how much I love the theater, the popcorn, the sound and the getting out. Last night was one of those nights.
I recorded the Oscars on my DVR. When it began, I was watching a home chef’s episode of Chopped, which I enjoyed. I fast-forwarded through some of the award show before I went to bed (though not enough as that Seth McFarland was really awful!!!). I wanted to see the 50 Years of Bond 007 celebration. And I loved seeing Shirley Bassey sing Goldfinger. But, then I went to bed. I hurried through the show this morning, noting that I want to see some of the films and a lot of the performances, but that overall, the Show, The Oscars, doesn’t mean that much to me anymore.
And that made me sad. There were years that I was able to go into work late after the Oscars, and I did because I stayed up until after midnight relishing in the speeches and dresses and banter. I don’t feel that anymore. I’d rather snuggle with RT and read Goodnight Moon for the millionth time. And feel him fall asleep in my arms. That is my night, now. And it is a good one!
My old self is gone. That pre-Mommy Kate no longer exists. And, guess what? That’s just fine. There will be times that I miss that old me, but there are so many more times that I am in awe of the joys my life brings with RT. I’d never, ever trade my life as Mommy for the old me. Well, maybe when the next 007 film is released in theaters…nah!