Recently, I have been thinking about my past and my future. Minor irritants remind me that I have not always been as content with my life as I am now. There have been many times that I have tried to live up to what I thought were other people's expectations of me. I realize I have always been hardest on myself. When I lacked perfection in the past, I felt it was my failing, not a fact of life. I have since realized that life happens and so does failure. Not everything can be fixed. Some things I can fix, some things I can't. My history of depression and chronic pain, including migraines, over the past 15 years has taken a toll on my health. I seek a lifestyle that helps free me from the pain and keep the depression far, far away.
I am so very happy in my marriage. Roger supports anything I need. He is a caring, loving man and brings joy into my life every day. When I reflect on my past, I realize I was just existing, now I am living. I love life, possibly for the first time ever. I do not remember ever feeling true joy in daily life, I have that now. I cannot imagine anyone who would be a better match for me than Roger. Our life, the one we share every day, brings joy and happiness to my life. Our life inspires me to live healthier, to seize any opportunity for fun and growth.
Which brings me to my future. While muddling through the stress of several papers, I have realized that I do not like research. I don't like writing. The weight of the pressure to succeed forces me to pause in deciding my future. Mainly, do I get a PhD? The longer I am in graduate school, the less I want to continue on to my PhD. I enjoy discussion, readings, learning, sharing...all of the things I believe teaching offers. I have wondered if teaching 3-4 classes would be enough stimulation intellectually. I believe that I will be able to find stimulation in other aspects of my life, reading, watching films, playing games, puzzles, discussions, teaching. I see a happy life teaching where ever Roger's career takes us.
I wonder if I will see my lack of desire for a PhD as my failure one day. I plan to produce a thesis, which will allow me to seek a PhD later in life, so if I regret not seeking the PhD, I could later. I am not closing any doors. I am opening doors for a happy future, living my life, our life, in the most healthy and joyous way we can...together.